UnionVersity

Sheffield – Birmingham New Street
Glen Wilson

I have had to travel amidst the commuters a couple of times of late. Many things on rush hour trains irritate me and amuse me, but one in particular is the conversations. The best ones are always held with people who are not even in the carriage, on Monday my coach became the venue for some kind of unofficial UK Business Talk Bollocks Championship, as three people seemingly tried to out business each other. Here’s the best of the action…

So here we have contestant number one, early thirties, female, taking the early initiative by standing from her chair just to make this call. Lets see how she fairs. Here we go;
“Jonathan, hi. Just to let you know I’ve left Doncaster on time so shall be able to meet as we arranged… OK… bye”

Oh its a great start, a completely pointless phone call. Nothing has happened, nothing as changed, but you still feel the need to call Jonathan to tell him. What’s next? Hi Jonathan just calling to let you know that this train is five carriages long so I should be able to alight onto the platform as previously expected, ok.

Up next its contestant two, an older gentleman, pretty well dressed, he too has got a head start on the competition by reading a copy of the Financial Times a item as hard to come by in South Yorkshire as healthy lung… he’s dialled the number; “Hi Sarah, just checking in, what am I doing tomorrow?”

Simple but effective, he’s taken the lead with that call. You don’t know what you’re doing tomorrow, how on earth did you manage to dress yourself and catch this train without inexplicably finding yourself climbing a country stile dressed in a ten-year old Austin Powers fancy dress outfit?

Last into the arena is contestant three, a man in his early 40s with unecessarily trendy designer glasses and a collection of matching luggage. He’s already begun, but we can catch up with him now; “Yes, I’m on my way to the Conference now, can you wire me those documents and I’ll give them the once over en route”

Step back. We have a winner. Wire me?! wire me?! What is this 1940s mid-town Chicago? Jeez, what a scoop. Send out a wire. Wait til the boys in Atlantic City geta hold of this. I’ve made it ma. Gee, this is gonna be big I tell you, big.
Done. See you all in the quiet coach yeah?

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