A Man’s Guide to the Credit Crunch

A man’s guide to the Credit Crunch
Flinder Boyd 

The last year has been rough and many of us are out of work including myself. Being unemployed has its downsides no doubt and being unemployed in London has even more downsides, where it seemingly cost £20 to open your front door. Not having a job can have dire constraints on your life. Gone are the days of Michelin starred restaurants, front row concert seats and champagne for all your friends. Instead its time to welcome in a change, don’t think of unemployment as a negative, it may be hard on the ego but it gives you a chance to flex your creativity and new found freedom.

-Facial Hair is the new black.

First order of business; grow a beard, or mustache or for the hardcore, a mullet. There is no boss urging and prodding you to ‘look sharp for the meeting.’ It also saves money on expensive razors, shaving creams and any other metrosexual facial products you proudly have displayed above your bathroom sink. Not to mention chicks love facial hair. Why? Because it says, ‘I don’t give a fuck! I’m hairier than Gandalf and I love it.’

Kebab is the new sushi. 

You know you can no longer eat Salmon sashimi in blue cheese caviar sauce for lunch, just because. No worries, its time to embrace the less expensive delights in life, chicken fried rice, internet porn, knife crime. Just because you shop at Tesco doesn’t mean your not a Waitrose man at heart, it just means your meat tastes a little stale.

Pyjamas is the new business suit.

Its time to throw those costly suits out, you don’t need them anymore, you’ll be spending a lot of time around the house. Buy yourself a pair of full-body pink PJ’s with a flap in front for easy access. Why? Because you don’t give a fuck.

The fat bald bartender at the pub is the new hot, sexy waitress at the bar.

Ok, so you went to the trendy bar in Mayfair with your mates everyday after work to check out Sandra in the short dress and high heels in the hopes your cheesy come-ons might one day work. Well James at your local pub isn’t much to look at and you know his World War 2 stories are all a load of crap because he’s only 42. But he pours a great pint and lets you pay in 5 and 10 pence coins.

-Earplugs are the new alarm clock.

No more mornings in the mirror checking your sideburns to see if any new grey hairs popped up after a restless night. Throw your alarm clock out. Your day starts at noon. Or later, enjoy your new found freedom, but hopefully it doesn’t last long.

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